Gifted in school, also in life. Ostracized with intense eyes, light dimly glowed. Even though, feeling so low, strength, surely showed.
Creativity, strategy, skill. Frozen by the thrill yet somehow finding the will to keep going.
Many times, I kept going. Despite my will to exist, diminishing. The thought of dying isn’t scary to me. I often thought of death and imagined the feelings. Surrounded with mourning relatives like you.
Someone to be there one moment and gone the next. Scrambling to remember the last things they said.
I’ve had a lot of joy in my life. It’s important I pay attention to small details in the moment like the smell. I remember laying in the grass looking at the clouds enjoying the moment.
I was often called spacey but I was present in my moment. I’d often daydream about anything.
If you're not ready, I can't make you.
Making this trip but I can't take you
Feeling you around me
Your energy body found me.
When will your mind catch up?
Not trying to rush
I know it feels like too much.
Your heart in my hand
You say you don't want to fall
afraid to land with your head in the sand
yet you're nowhere near the ground at all.
What is having it together
What is love without Letter
When will things get better?
She loves you but why wont you let her?
From myself, from everyone else.
But they'll treat you how you let them
Can't beat you less you bet em
lessons you signed up for
so get em
Now why would you do that TO yourself?
I can't force you. I don't want to . I have visions of me and you.
Will the time come when I look back at feeling this way like it was stupid and everything was fine?
Probably, and I'm okay with that.
Healing doesn't look like sunshine
No one remembers the pain once it's past
they can't tap into a hurt they've released
subconsciously it's there it just doesn't hit the same
you dream of me, I know you do
You're not afraid of me, you're scared of you
Scared to be alone with thoughts so true
so you do to me what was done to you
but it doesnt help does it?
it still hurts doesnt' it
and now I'm crying and inside you're dying
it all could have been avoided with some honesty
I contemplated getting drunk just to be honest with my feelings
sometimes I wish you'd do the same
in my sleep i call out your name
I'm tired of playing this game
Today, I did something powerful. I said no to a man.
Why is this so powerful?
Because I don’t think he expected it.
Sitting outside my workplace, waiting for me to end my shift, was a man twice my age.
Just a week ago, we had a friendly conversation about the work he does and the work I could see myself doing. Then he asked me out for a drink. I don’t drink. But I said yes because I couldn’t quite find a reason to say no. He seemed nice enough, although I’ll admit I was curious about his intentions.
The offer escalated to going to eat, a few days later as he followed me out to my car after work.
He approached me and leaned all into my personal space. At first I wasn’t too uncomfortable, or so I thought, until he reached toward my chest and grabbed hold of my neckless. My ankh. I felt trapped.
Trapped by my niceness, by my agreement to “have a drink”, by his physical presence.
He insisted that we go somewhere now, and asked me where I’d like to eat.
“My social battery is drained.” I plead. It wasn’t untrue.
I get up between 3:00 and 3:30 am to start work at 4:30am.
By noon, I’ve worked a full 8 hour shift, serving the neighborhood their coffee with a cheery voice and a big covered smile. I was tired, but I was also intimidated. He was so close to my personal space in a time when I just wanted to be alone and rest. It was uncomfortable.
As I squirmed in my seat, I offered to think on where I’d like to go, and negotated our meeting to the end of the week.
On Tuesday, as he walked in the door, I fled to the back of the store. It was then, that I truely realized how uncomfortable he had made me. Why was I hiding from this man? I waited until I couldnt any longer because I promised my sister I would be home in time to take her to work that morning. I gathered my things and head for the door. He was still there.
“Hello,” I called, once he made eye contact and raised his eyebrows as if to say “I’ve been looking for you.” “I’m sorry, I’m in a rush! See you tomorrow!” I yelled as I hurried out the door.
I didn’t see him again until today, Saturday. The dreaded day I promised to go out with him. I saw him in the store again and thankfully I was busy enough to pretend I didn’t. When it was time for me to leave, I chatted with my coworkers in the back and snacked on a donut, buying time for him to leave and the coast to be clear.
As I gathered my things, I barely made it to my car before I saw him walking up and calling for my attention. I was reminded again that it is Saturday and I did agree to have some sort of idea of where to go by now. I told him I wasn’t quite sure where I wanted to go.
That’s when he did it again, he reached into my car window and moved my sweater to see the tattoo on my arm.
STOP IT, DON’T TOUCH ME, PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF
were all thoughts in my head that simply wouldn’t come out of my mouth. Instead I smiled, and entertained his comments on my tattoo, even divulging what other tattoos I had and where they were.
Why couldn’t I just say no?
“You’re a different girl,” He said to me “You wear different jewelry and have different tattoos.”
I was triggered even more by his tone and these comments. I’m just a woman. I’m no more special than the next, and you telling me so does not make me feel connected to you in anyway. There’s nothing you can give me that I can’t give myself, besides the creeps.
He pointed to a restaurant in the same parking lot and offered for us to just sit there for awhile.
“I’m not really in the mood right now.” I say
“Okay, another time.” He confirms
“Why do you want to take me out?” I ask.
“To be friends.” He remarks, “If you don’t like, that’s okay.”
He started to back up a little bit and said “I’m just trying to be your friend.” as he gestured at me implicating he meant something different.
The look on my face must have given away my disinterest. “I’m just trying to be clear, I’m not interested in anything romantic.” I say, finally feeling better that I’ve found my voice to speak up for myself.
The look on his face said it all. His eyebrows raised and his eyes bulged out of his head.
“If you don’t want to be friends, thats fine!” he huffed.
“How about, I’ll see you here, and when I’m ready to go out as friends, I will let you know?” I ask, trying to peacefully resolve the situation.
“I’m not going to lose, you are going to lose, because I am a good friend!” He says, as he stumbles backwards and away from my vehicle.
It’s obvious that I’ve struck a nerve but I believe it is because he never had the intention of simply being my friend. He thought he would charm me with dinner, and get me to loosen up with a drink, and who knows what else. Maybe that’s my imagination, but I didn’t want to let it get that far. My intuition was telling me that I didn’t trust this man. I shouldn’t feel obligated to.
He pulled off quickly and I realized that it had been about an hour since he first came into the store. He had been waiting there for me the whole time.
I felt a slight twinge of guilt, that subsided as soon as I reminded myself that I have no need to feel guilty for speaking my truth.
The situation could have been scarier, and it wasn’t. I’m still very proud of myself for finding my voice, standing my ground, and speaking up for what I wanted and not what I felt like would bring about the least resistance. The problem essentially solved itself as he drove away, probably feeling rejected, but hopefully enough to deter him from further advancing.
As I sit in my new favorite cafe I take a deep breath and feel gratitude for my new power.
So, we left off at Halloween. It was around noon when I published my last post, soon after my entire world flipped upside down!
Shortly after hitting publish, I started to feel a little nauseous.
I started on my makeup, preparing myself for the day’s events ahead. Not even 1 minute after I put on my lipstick, I started throwing up bile! It was not something I was unfamiliar with but I wasn’t understanding why this was happening to me. I decided to stay home (as I should) and rest.
I was able to explore some ancestry and charge my crystals. I set the intention to release all that no longer serves me.
Boy the universe answers quickly.
Not long after I wrapped up my practice, my stomach started aching. I laid on the couch and curled up in pain for what felt like several hours. My friend’s brother came home and after about an hour of crying, vomiting, and deliberation, I mustered up the courage to ask him to take me to the hospital.
When I arrived, I was hardly able to stand. I was provided with a wheelchair and a vomit bag while waiting. Shortly after checking in I was wheeled to a clinic room where my vitals were taken and blood was drawn.
It seemed like I was waiting forever, especially because I was in excruciating pain and vomiting non-stop. At some point I was informed that I would need a CT scan to diagnose my situation.
I was wheeled into a room where I laid on a table, steadied my breath, and did my best to not be claustrophobic.
The results of the scan were that my gal bladder seemed to be the culprit.
“This is normal, it happens often. A simple surgery will fix it. You’ll be right as rain in no time.”
Wow, just a few hours ago, I was living my life as normal. Now, I’m being told an organ is failing and it needs to be removed.
I was in so much pain that I couldn’t say no. I could hardly even think. The next morning, I was scheduled for surgery.
I had an ultrasound to confirm the inflammation in my gal bladder and if there were any possible stones. I don’t remember the doctor ever confirming that I was going to have surgery, I just remember the anesthesiologist checking in with me before hand.
Shortly after that, a man came into my room to give me a “limousine ride” down to the surgery wing. He pulled the rails up on my hospital bed and wheeled me out the door and into the elevator.
When we got to the surgery wing, I was asked if I had any questions or concerns and then given the sleeping gas. I still had a vomit bag in my hands as I was throwing up even before my surgery.
When I woke up, I didn’t even realize that I had already had surgery. I felt great! Well, great isn’t the word, but I wasn’t in excruciating pain any longer.
I was released on Tuesday, voting day.
My friend came to pick me up, took me to get my medication and some food, I watched her kid while she voted, and then she dropped me off to recover.
About a week later, I was propositioned with an opportunity to earn some money and travel. This is another story for another time. There are many details and it was a pretty traumatic experience so, stay tuned, I will be speaking on it.
Because I accepted this proposition, I found myself stranded in MINNESOTA! Where it’s COLD!
I was able to get a train ticket from Minnesota to Las Vegas where a friend of mine was living. A 54 hour train ride.
The details of such will be released sooner or later.
I stayed in Vegas for a few days, enjoying the views and speaking to the locals. I walked the strip and then I got terrible news.
My cousin called me to tell me that my sister, my little sister, was killed in a car accident.
I was shocked! I felt like I was dreaming. I called my father and he confirmed the tragedy and made arrangements for me to come home.
Home is where I am now. With family, celebrating the life and memory of my sister. Her services will be this weekend.
Sorry I don’t have much to say, it took a lot for me to muster the courage to write this in the first place.
There’s not a lot I have to say about Halloween and it makes me a little sad.
I’ve been out of touch with the holiday for a few years since the partner I was with did not entirely celebrate the holiday. So now, it’s Halloween in 2020 and I still feel clueless as to what I’m doing.
The funny thing is, I’ll be riding on a party bus this evening! I’ve always wanted to go to a Halloween party all dressed up and get shwasty. But this is not that. It’s a birthday celebration!
So, I’ll have to find a lowkey costume in my slowly shrinking wardrobe. I’ve got a fair amount of clothes, I just have to find the right balance of spooky and warm!
I am most excited for my makeup look! I got the Money snapshadow palette from Fenty Beauty and it comes with so many beautiful shades of green and gold! I believe I’ll be doing something reptilian.
Although I wont be trick or treating with the kids today, I will be enjoying my time as a young adult and enjoy socializing with friends.
I did have the inclination to learn about spirituality and rituals and ancestry today, but I think I might just focus on that this evening. I’ve recorded a podcast episode that comes out today and I will talk about some of these things in tomorrow’s episode!
I’m just dropping by to acknowledge the holiday and update you all on what I’ve got going on. More details to come later.